Noah's Guilt
by goldenspringtime
Summary: Something happens to Lyle and Noah feels guilty


Disclaimer: I do not own Heroes.

Summery: Something happened to Lyle and Noah feels guilty.

Warnings: Character death.

He never thought he would be back here so soon, he had hoped before then, that if he ever came back it would be because Sandra had changed her mind. It wasn't, he was back here because he had made a mistake, actually a series of mistakes, which had lead to disastrous consequences.

His main mistake was being blind to everything but Claire. He hadn't seen what was going on right in front of his eyes. Maybe if he had seen it coming, he could have prevented it, but it was too late now he was gone. And the guilt was eating him alive. All the things he should have done, talking to him ,more making sure that Lyle knew without a doubt that Noah loved him as much as Claire even if he wasn't always honest or with him. Taken him to more ballgames, had more father son moments. Staying near Lyle instead of going to college with Claire.

All the things he didn't do. Such as he hadn't paid as much attention to him as he should have. He hadn't made sure that Lyle knew that he could talk to him about anything. And the number #1 thing he didn't he would regret for the rest of his life.

He had gotten a phone call as he was trying to escort Claire from the Ferris Wheel, with the all the reporters in his and Claire's face, he had gotten a call then but he hadn't picked it up. What he hadn't known was that Lyle was overdosing. Since his mom had been doing a dog show, and always had her phone off during competitions he had been Lyle's hope, and he had let him down. He would never forgot the voice mail he had listened to hours too late.

"Dad." his voice had been weak and cracked "Dad I messed up..." A long pause followed in which only his shallow breaths could be heard. "Why couldn't you have been there for me too? I'm sorry." then the message had ended. He had never heard his real voice again, he had listened to messages several times since then. Even though Claire had begged him to delete it, saying the guilt would destroy him, he only wished it would, it was less then he deserved.

If he could do the last few years all over again he would in a heartbeat. He wouldn't have move to Arlington with Claire, he would have stayed with Lyle. He would have made sure that Lyle had never started taking drugs, and if he did he would have gotten him clean. He had tried to track down Hiro, but with the whole world hunting down specials everyone had gone into hiding. Even with his training he couldn't find him ,which lead him to think he was probably hiding out in another time. Which just made him feel all the more helpless and guilty.

He had been gone so much of Lyle's life, he didn't even know when it was that Lyle started doing drugs, or even that he had ever taken them at all. He had tried many times to picture maybe once when he might have opened his door and he might have been high. He couldn't, he just couldn't and he didn't think that was because Lyle was good at pretending, it was because in the last few years when ever he had been home he had been always talking to Claire.

He had always thought that Claire was the one who needed him. She was a girl, she was more sensitive, she had powers, she had a strong will. All were excuses he had given himself when he bought her teddy bears and Lyle Candy bars. When he told her about things and didn't tell him, or when Noah had followed Claire to college.

"We're here sir." Noah snapped out of his thoughts. He paid the driver without a word and got out of the taxi. He walked over to where there was a large cluster of people in suits and dark dresses. He walked up to Claire and Sandra. Claire turned around just as soon as he got there and buried her head in his shoulder. He stroked her hair and worked on keeping his stoic gaze stoic. He looked at Sandra, she had already started crying, that was assuming she had ever stopped, since she had been crying the last time he had seen her. She was dealing with guilt too, Lyle had called her first but since since she had been at the competition she hadn't picked up either. Claire broke apart from him, her eyes glassy but no tears were falling not yet anyways.

"Dad's it's all my fault." and the blame was felt in her too, that was okay there was plenty blame to go around. He he shook those thoughts out, he only had one child left he had to make sure then in his grief and guilt he didn't chase Claire off too. He put on his earnest expression that he could.

"Honey it's not your fault."

"Yes it is Dad if I hadn't ..."

"Claire now is not the time for this." Claire looked stricken at his sharp tone, so he forced himself to say the next part in a softer tone.

"It wasn't your fault, but now is not the time for this." he made sure she got it and she nodded and faced back towards the front.

It was now his time to speak, Noah looked over at his wife and daughter that they were both crying. He stepped apart from them a little so that he was closer to the casket. The last funeral he had been at had been Nathan's, he would have never thought that the next one he'd be was his own son. Noah buried his emotions, his son deserved a proper eulogy and he would give it to him.

"Lyle was always a very quiet child, usually never one to start a fight unless it was with his sister." Noah smiled at her and she weakly smiled back. "Lyle was very into football and tae kwondo both of which he took very seriously, much more seriously then he ever took his school work. In the end it was his passive nature his inability to really talk through his emotions and his turn to drugs that caused his overdose... I will him so very much."

He stepped away he had more to say to Lyle ,but what he wanted to say to Lyle, he wanted to say in private. His junkie friends, at least that's what he assumed the ones with glazed eyes and a far away expression just starred at him and some through him. Noah had half a mind to throttle them, coming high to his son's funeral who died of a overdose, the only thing that kept him from doing so was this was for Lyle and he would not ruin it for Sandra or Claire.

Now that the eulogy was over he heard many people leaving, but didn't turn around his eyes were glued to the grave and the casket. He saw nothing but the casket and was lost in his thoughts, the what if's and what he should have's. He heard a car pass by and that broke his deep thoughts, he looked up and saw that only he, Sandra , and Claire were left looking at the casket. Sandra meet his eyes she looked so sad and lost, he didn't know what to do, it was a foreign feeling for him since he had always been the man with the plan. He opened his mouth up to say something comforting but Sandra interrupted.

"Noah we have to get going, the wake will be starting soon." she looked away from him, she blamed him just as much as she blamed herself, but was willing to pretend she didn't for Claire's sake. Noah knew that had to leave soon, especially after he looked at his watch and saw the time but he still needed to talk to Lyle.

"Just give a minute I'll be right there." Sandra and Claire nodded and they started walking for Sandra's car. Noah faced the grave again.

"I'm sorry Lyle, I'm sorry I never noticed, I'm sorry I wasn't there for you,and I sorry you didn't feel like you could come to me with this." His eyes were blurry from the tears that he could shed now that no one was watching, he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. He then reached inside his suit pocket and brought out a white rose. It had been an impulse buy from the airport. "I wish that you had said something, anything, so I could have helped you, but you didn't, and now it's too late." Noah set down the white rose on his casket he ran his hand across the casket then stepped back a few steps back and starred starred at the mistake he would never be able to take back.

Author's note: Review please. But please don't criticize my eulogy I spent days looking for what to say and still it's not great.


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